bleep0034

all i really wanted was a quality chess game.

0077

EMPIRICISM

not all the caffeine in the world could wipe that dream off ignore the stimulus remain calm hidden behind the closed curtains and locked doors domino playing cortices peeling gill-breathing make no sudden moves until the room deforms into a möbius strip until its only six walls six floors then youre free to take off tho never forget to feed the animals or they will take you by surprise pull you apart when you get back grieve easier with their stomach full turn the could haves and should haves into trophies and postcards photographs and wrinkles scars and bruises ashes twinkles.

bleep0033

your girlfriend has a boyfriend
and we are all shaking hands

bleep0032

- thoroughness -

its those moments when youre dressed nice for an accident, a murder, a brainstroke; or youre freshly waxed for a bathtub slip.

ACHTELOOS/RAW


een zekere aantrekkingskracht in de tragedie en geluk
maar ik ben veranderd

ik ben zo blij dat je me gevonden hebt.

..en nee, je bent niet te mager.

zie je deze..?
'n, twee, drie, -

0076

О РАЗУМЕВАЊУ

овај није за свакога и било кога и сви проклети транслатори и речници овога света вам неће превести то што треба да схватите схватиш никада нећеш моћи у потпуности да разумеш чак и да покушаш то је други живот и проклето блато из ког смо изронили и све што носимо као ауру не може тек тако да нестане мислим да никада неће и сумрак и потпуни мрак вести свести срања муљ ситне и крупне рибе и њихове рибе и шта ти о томе знаш шта уопште можеш да знаш то не може да се преприча није довољно ни да се посматра одређена доза немоћи је гарант за назирање поимење и никада нисам осећала везу никада нисам ту припадала зато имам слободу да о томе и говорим али не теби ти то никада нећеш разумети чак и да желиш чак и да желим и не треба сваком своје покажи ми ожиљак показаћу ти свој али нећемо се правити да знамо колико је сваки сваког болео и зашто то припада другој половини коју видиш само у огледалу као и овај текст који не разумете или мислите да разумете узимам облик који можеш желиш да прихватиш то није маска то су моје могућности и твоје све сам то ја и оно што не желиш да видиш је ту али не желиш да видиш само оно што разумеш или можеш да осудиш оформиш мишљење поделиш га у разговору позиционираш се изнесеш став прикупиш резултате сумираш растеш све је то паразитски начин људски начин и зато могу о томе да говорим јер ми не можеш ништа јер не можете тиме да храните своје ситне победе над самима собом ту смо једнаки можемо заједно да ћутимо и да се правимо да не постоји или и да умемо и знамо како и да смо добро да смо исти.

bleep0031

the one who doesnt want is in advantage over the one who does.
changing sides is cheating.
my trick is even cheaper.

0075

MEMORY LANE

these ghosts from pasts could would will bring me back to future i got a chance tonight a whole new world i realized just what it takes so little gets so easy i never thought it could it might like forgotten badges on an old jacket you forgot you ever had until youve seen it on a pale photograph that you forgot you ever took of you and your friends you thought you never had.

0074

FLIP-FLOPS

as if alls been reversed wrong positioned eyeballs backwards inside backview blind for whats in front ahead inhand a quickie fooling thinking you know what youre doing thinking youre introduced with all and its warm and quiet and safe maybee not still its certainly warm quiet cozy yr placenta tent home blanket a selfhug laying inside contorted forever self pitying patting easier than taking an actual look at up out around no peeps the stabbing ray of light might hurt injure scare wake up straight down remind slap hit punch knock down up hold my eyelid or ill shut it all the way wrap myself in hide inside grow me wings horns claws teeth choke on it invent a companee.

bleep0030

i found the connection
now i get the idea

good luck to all of us!!

bleep0029

if i had a magic potion, if i had a gun

THE END

0073

SUMS

with the windows closed and the air conditioner on and the alarm for waking up with nobody asleep with the music or tv is even better makes sounds and conversations noise human sounds of alive a soundtrack to the quiet music in your head and the blue light dancing on the face a vivid vivacious shadow or in a total silence with the lonely neighbor across the street after i saw that photo of a girl in dark youve sent me whether its a doll or alive what an irony both ways scary in one moment consolidating shameful in another you can touch or pass by you can push or you can hold back but you cant be me in my believes and ideas in affection trying mistaking in disappointments lies fear dreaming daydreaming in living in dying maybe the apartment is just another masquerade not really the life i wanted but i will take it as a cocoon an incubator a place to spend some peaceful time asleep a dead sleep at and leave my caterpillar worm slime life behind a head push-up a self-check a signal a simple confirmation to myself that i know exactly what im doing or where im going to or which doors im closing who im burying walking over not a rearview mirror a review and a mirror instead a button for self-destruction self-distraction self-deduction.

chitchat

SOMA

once you finally get the missing pieces and solve the jigsaw.. and get the full image.. once you find out and look it in the eye, once it all gets clear and youre told the truth -

it all of a sudden gets easier.
it becomes the end of the road, the bottom of the chasm. with all the cracking sounds you turn into a stone. thousands of icicles lance and pierce and you freeze.

and then its quiet.
and its dark. and its empty.
and you dont feel the pain, you dont feel anything at all..

but then you go in reverse - you go back down the dead end, you climb up the abyss, you swim back to the surface, count backwards, melt down, crackle crack crash bleed, get alive again.

and then its just a spilt milk.

its a loss, its messy, it takes work and makes you gotta do what a mans gotta do.. and all there is is deciding whether you will buy another milk or stop drinking milk. or stop spilling it.

but you certainly wont kneel down and lick it off the floor.
not anymore.

chitchat

YOUR SHAME IS MINE

hey, do you remember..? at least from your cozy point of view, as it was..
i do. i wish i dont.
i can see it just now - the battlefield; all transformed from the good old place, the same one that once had a wonderful meaning. and it still does.. to me. only now its divided into two opposite impressions and feelings. two different lives.
this one time, it had a brand new sinister purpose and i remember the wind and shivering, your shadow and its quietness; my shame and despair and how i let you let them spit at me, just to save the ghost in my head; walk over me holding hands, stab and twist, have fun laugh enjoy, triumph. big greedy eyes, long dirty flickering tongues, mean little brains, nasty lies and truths - all on my account.
they missed the apple on my head, but didnt miss me.
and you held me so that i dont move too much, so that the apple doesnt fall before they shoot me.
and you shook hands after the job had been successfully done
and took me back home -
your failed fighting rooster
your chicken shit.

nobody admitted
that i was the only one
with no mud on my face.

bleep0028

i dare to think and say that the best ones arent really that good.

..and i should/will take it as an advantage.

bleep0027

well after all,
youre just an animal..

bleep0026

i could try and explain it in my morning voice..

chitchat

CASUS FORTUITUS vs. FACING IT

theres no such thing as destiny, please.

the term and the whole idea exist just as a consolation for those who keep failing no matter what they did to prevent that failure. it is also a digestive explanation for the plain observers and sympathizers who by that also prepare and leave some space for their own future fiasco, knowing that theyll have what to say after theres nothing left to try.

there are only accidents and coincidences.

"it wasnt meant to be" sounds comforting; sounds as if it was nobodys weakness, mistake or failure, but simply some force majeure nobody could fight - that is a great excuse and a relief, isnt it?
it is just one tiny step away from "god's will".

"it wasnt meant for them to be together" means only that one of those two didnt WANT that.

"it was meant for him to die" is completely untrue. what really happened is that a series of circumstances caused his death at the moment and that if one of those things went different way [which again depends on another series of other circumstances], he wouldnt die. i am absolutely sure that if he didnt get a heart attack that day, he would not neccessarily die of a falling flowerpot or a meteor hitting his house.
and vice versa.

"it wasnt meant to be [for her to win the contest]" means only that she didnt do all it takes or that shes bad at what she does or that someone has payed the corrupted jury and took her prize.

etcetera.

no destiny was involved, no superior force - only, again, a bunch of accidents, coincidences and circumstances, just as people with their faults and virtues, their abilities, goals, greed, viciousness, knowledge, intelligence, stupidity,.. or anything else human.

it is a denyful fairy tale for explaining injustice
and for excusing failures.

nothing more than that.

just as religion,
only religion doesnt help explaining things even that much.
on the contrary - it would only confuse, scare and accuse you.
though it definitely offers a great excuse and cover-ups for anything, just as destiny.
..but religion is another big issue i will skip this time.

0072

ONE MAN SHOW

i like it i stay till the end each time i laugh at jokes i cry at sad parts i sympathize i take the rotten fruit you throw at me in my face i swallow it then applaud some harder and ask for an encore i come out back for it each time you whistle i take a bow take a deep breath and smile wide with a memory of the stink of those eggs on my face happy you want more happy theres another act coming on after the curtains raised happy the shows still on and that im back for more of this clown role happy to be such a good audience i like your dramas and comedies i like the casualty you perform with the certain seriousness your see-through costume impresses me your whole life is a monologue performed in front of the mirror whose glare i am when the brilliant role is on its peak i pay my ticket each time i make my way to the first row each time im sent out because i laugh cry applaud too loud or because i watch the show way too carefully is how i do things are going too far the show is too long now i should go back to my life should find a way out of this dark hall i saw the performance many times it always makes me smile always makes me cry those daggers are real its not fun anymore im bleeding it got too hard to clap and the curtain is down too often for too long i forgot what im applauding at cant see anything anymore its just a distant mumbling behind it the hall is empty maybe its just the echo im hearing this clown make-up and costume makes me tired its heavy it stoops me i want my money back i wanna come out to the daylight.*

* i demand an encore i demand a better seat a vip pass an autograph a notice im sitting right in front and a jumbo bag of pop-corn to share in the back seats in the dark i demand the applause and a bouquet of flowers and smiles brought to my feet everything booked for a long time you in the first row and my face on your wall until tomorrows show.