all i really wanted was a quality chess game.




not all the caffeine in the world could wipe that dream off ignore the stimulus remain calm hidden behind the closed curtains and locked doors domino playing cortices peeling gill-breathing make no sudden moves until the room deforms into a möbius strip until its only six walls six floors then youre free to take off tho never forget to feed the animals or they will take you by surprise pull you apart when you get back grieve easier with their stomach full turn the could haves and should haves into trophies and postcards photographs and wrinkles scars and bruises ashes twinkles.



your girlfriend has a boyfriend

and we are all shaking hands



- thoroughness -

its those moments when youre dressed nice for an accident, a murder, a brainstroke; or youre freshly waxed for a bathtub slip.



een zekere aantrekkingskracht in de tragedie en geluk
maar ik ben veranderd

ik ben zo blij dat je me gevonden hebt.

..en nee, je bent niet te mager.

zie je deze..?
'n, twee, drie, -




овај није за свакога и било кога и сви проклети транслатори и речници овога света вам неће превести то што треба да схватите схватиш никада нећеш моћи у потпуности да разумеш чак и да покушаш то је други живот и проклето блато из ког смо изронили и све што носимо као ауру не може тек тако да нестане мислим да никада неће и сумрак и потпуни мрак вести свести срања муљ ситне и крупне рибе и њихове рибе и шта ти о томе знаш шта уопште можеш да знаш то не може да се преприча није довољно ни да се посматра одређена доза немоћи је гарант за назирање поимење и никада нисам осећала везу никада нисам ту припадала зато имам слободу да о томе и говорим али не теби ти то никада нећеш разумети чак и да желиш чак и да желим и не треба сваком своје покажи ми ожиљак показаћу ти свој али нећемо се правити да знамо колико је сваки сваког болео и зашто то припада другој половини коју видиш само у огледалу као и овај текст који не разумете или мислите да разумете узимам облик који можеш желиш да прихватиш то није маска то су моје могућности и твоје све сам то ја и оно што не желиш да видиш је ту али не желиш да видиш само оно што разумеш или можеш да осудиш оформиш мишљење поделиш га у разговору позиционираш се изнесеш став прикупиш резултате сумираш растеш све је то паразитски начин људски начин и зато могу о томе да говорим јер ми не можеш ништа јер не можете тиме да храните своје ситне победе над самима собом ту смо једнаки можемо заједно да ћутимо и да се правимо да не постоји или и да умемо и знамо како и да смо добро да смо исти.



the one who doesnt want is in advantage over the one who does.
changing sides is cheating.
my trick is even cheaper.




these ghosts from pasts could would will bring me back to future i got a chance tonight a whole new world i realized just what it takes so little gets so easy i never thought it could it might like forgotten badges on an old jacket you forgot you ever had until youve seen it on a pale photograph that you forgot you ever took of you and your friends you thought you never had.




as if alls been reversed wrong positioned eyeballs backwards inside backview blind for whats in front ahead inhand a quickie fooling thinking you know what youre doing thinking youre introduced with all and its warm and quiet and safe maybee not still its certainly warm quiet cozy yr placenta tent home blanket a selfhug laying inside contorted forever self pitying patting easier than taking an actual look at up out around no peeps the stabbing ray of light might hurt injure scare wake up straight down remind slap hit punch knock down up hold my eyelid or ill shut it all the way wrap myself in hide inside grow me wings horns claws teeth choke on it invent a companee.



i found the connection
now i get the idea

good luck to all of us!!



if i had a magic potion, if i had a gun





with the windows closed and the air conditioner on and the alarm for waking up with nobody asleep with the music or tv is even better makes sounds and conversations noise human sounds of alive a soundtrack to the quiet music in your head and the blue light dancing on the face a vivid vivacious shadow or in a total silence with the lonely neighbor across the street after i saw that photo of a girl in dark youve sent me whether its a doll or alive what an irony both ways scary in one moment consolidating shameful in another you can touch or pass by you can push or you can hold back but you cant be me in my believes and ideas in affection trying mistaking in disappointments lies fear dreaming daydreaming in living in dying maybe the apartment is just another masquerade not really the life i wanted but i will take it as a cocoon an incubator a place to spend some peaceful time asleep a dead sleep at and leave my caterpillar worm slime life behind a head push-up a self-check a signal a simple confirmation to myself that i know exactly what im doing or where im going to or which doors im closing who im burying walking over not a rearview mirror a review and a mirror instead a button for self-destruction self-distraction self-deduction.




once you finally get the missing pieces and solve the jigsaw.. and get the full image.. once you find out and look it in the eye, once it all gets clear and youre told the truth -
it all of a sudden gets easier.
it becomes the end of the road, the bottom of the chasm. with all the cracking sounds you turn into a stone. thousands of icicles lance and pierce and you freeze.
and then its quiet.
and its dark. and its empty.
and you dont feel the pain, you dont feel anything at all..
but then you go in reverse - you go back down the dead end, you climb up the abyss, you swim back to the surface, count backwards, melt down, crackle crack crash bleed, get alive again.
and then its just a spilt milk.
its a loss, its messy, it takes work and makes you gotta do what a mans gotta do.. and all there is is deciding whether you will buy another milk or stop drinking milk. or stop spilling it.
but you certainly wont kneel down and lick it off the floor.
not anymore.




hey, do you remember..? at least from your cozy point of view, as it was..
i do. i wish i dont.
i can see it just now - the battlefield; all transformed from the good old place, the same one that once had a wonderful meaning. and it still does.. to me. only now its divided into two opposite impressions and feelings. two different lives.
this one time, it had a brand new sinister purpose and i remember the wind and shivering, your shadow and its quietness; my shame and despair and how i let you let them spit at me, just to save the ghost in my head; walk over me holding hands, stab and twist, have fun laugh enjoy, triumph. big greedy eyes, long dirty flickering tongues, mean little brains, nasty lies and truths - all on my account.
they missed the apple on my head, but didnt miss me.
and you held me so that i dont move too much, so that the apple doesnt fall before they shoot me.
and you shook hands after the job had been successfully done
and took me back home -
your failed fighting rooster
your chicken shit.

nobody admitted
that i was the only one
with no mud on my face.



i dare to think and say that the best ones arent really that good.
..and i should/will take it as an advantage.



well after all,

youre just an animal..



i could try and explain it in my morning voice..




theres no such thing as destiny, please.

the term and the whole idea exist just as a consolation for those who keep failing no matter what they did to prevent that failure. it is also a digestive explanation for the plain observers and sympathizers who by that also prepare and leave some space for their own future fiasco, knowing that theyll have what to say after theres nothing left to try.

there are only accidents and coincidences.

"it wasnt meant to be" sounds comforting; sounds as if it was nobodys weakness, mistake or failure, but simply some force majeure nobody could fight - that is a great excuse and a relief, isnt it?
it is just one tiny step away from "god's will".

"it wasnt meant for them to be together" means only that one of those two didnt WANT that.

"it was meant for him to die" is completely untrue. what really happened is that a series of circumstances caused his death at the moment and that if one of those things went different way [which again depends on another series of other circumstances], he wouldnt die. i am absolutely sure that if he didnt get a heart attack that day, he would not neccessarily die of a falling flowerpot or a meteor hitting his house.
and vice versa.

"it wasnt meant to be [for her to win the contest]" means only that she didnt do all it takes or that shes bad at what she does or that someone has payed the corrupted jury and took her prize.


no destiny was involved, no superior force - only, again, a bunch of accidents, coincidences and circumstances, just as people with their faults and virtues, their abilities, goals, greed, viciousness, knowledge, intelligence, stupidity,.. or anything else human.

it is a denyful fairy tale for explaining injustice
and for excusing failures.

nothing more than that.

just as religion,
only religion doesnt help explaining things even that much.
on the contrary - it would only confuse, scare and accuse you.
though it definitely offers a great excuse and cover-ups for anything, just as destiny.
..but religion is another big issue i will skip this time.




i like it i stay till the end each time i laugh at jokes i cry at sad parts i sympathize i take the rotten fruit you throw at me in my face i swallow it then applaud some harder and ask for an encore i come out back for it each time you whistle i take a bow take a deep breath and smile wide with a memory of the stink of those eggs on my face happy you want more happy theres another act coming on after the curtains raised happy the shows still on and that im back for more of this clown role happy to be such a good audience i like your dramas and comedies i like the casualty you perform with the certain seriousness your see-through costume impresses me your whole life is a monologue performed in front of the mirror whose glare i am when the brilliant role is on its peak i pay my ticket each time i make my way to the first row each time im sent out because i laugh cry applaud too loud or because i watch the show way too carefully is how i do things are going too far the show is too long now i should go back to my life should find a way out of this dark hall i saw the performance many times it always makes me smile always makes me cry those daggers are real its not fun anymore im bleeding it got too hard to clap and the curtain is down too often for too long i forgot what im applauding at cant see anything anymore its just a distant mumbling behind it the hall is empty maybe its just the echo im hearing this clown make-up and costume makes me tired its heavy it stoops me i want my money back i wanna come out to the daylight.*

* i demand an encore i demand a better seat a vip pass an autograph a notice im sitting right in front and a jumbo bag of pop-corn to share in the back seats in the dark i demand the applause and a bouquet of flowers and smiles brought to my feet everything booked for a long time you in the first row and my face on your wall until tomorrows show.




n e w s h o e s




there are no rules you can follow to make things happen if you invented them yourself - those fictional paths youre trying to figure out.. its deceiving, it looks familiar, seems as it makes some sense.. it promises small victories and successful plans, but there is nothing there, not a single formula - its only running in circles, chasing your own tail, far from any progress.
you know, if you salivate, the stake wont necessarily be served. its a reflex - dont put yourself in such a position. dont let it make a dog out of you.. a carnivore. its a chance, an accident, fluke, luck, bad luck.. its random and it wont lead you anywhere. the more you repeat it the outcome is more shocking and disappointing and youll realize it was a huge waste of time and tail wagging. it is rewind play rewind play rewind and once it simply wont play anymore and youll be left salivating expecting the fallacious old bitch to do the same trick again - to feed the dog, to quench the bells, to tell lies or not even that, but just a promise that it will keep repeating itself and comforting you, while youre spinning your wheel in a cage, dreaming of the waded range left behind.



mind versus body




its scary how primitive brainwashed toothless ones dream of conquering the world in the name of some imaginary pervert theyre dying killing destroying is easy when you dont have any sense of beauty and real values reason education when you live like an animal deluded misled naive in rage ready to do the craziest shit dreaming of winning over everything the whole world reproducing as fast as rabbits rats cockroaches poverty shouldnt be an excuse i wonder i wonder whatd happen what would actually happen if youd make it your way if everyone let you play what would you do would we all eat each other would we climb the trees or kneel forever or simply get rotten and die in stink and dirt would there be any trace of civilization all in the name of the holy promises well ill tell you the way go wash your face read a book make some folds in that mashed potato.



i think i could love myself maybe.

- projected onto -




ooh this bump i had made when i hit myself in the head still hurts and today i realized that everything fades away i have promised myself i will smile wide for the sake of the future pasts.




i remember.. it was that day [or it was some other day] when i shouldve been afraid of a wounded beast.. i was drunk, but i remember: i didnt realize yet, couldnt be sure, but i knew there was a good reason to get wasted, i knew something was going very wrong. i got too close; i had some silly idea of a flock, haha. one shot, two shots.. i had let it clutch me with its tentacles and suck me in.
so i drank some more..
but that was it. i was weak and got weaker for a moment - a perfect playground for a fiend [a friend?] overwhelmed by vanity and pain.
that is exactly why i was thought the story of a wolf in disguise when i was a kid like all the other kids.. oh, but whod remember that when alcohol delutes blood..
so that day [or any other day] i made the colossal mistake. i got sober many times ever since, but i couldnt take it back. i recall, its almost funny - i can see myself all dumb and happy, shaking hands with bad ideas.
yeah, i was pretty happy. it was the last time i was truly fulfilled and i didnt even realize. i thought im empty and just a bit consolated, while actually i was happy and sky high, i was huge and back on feet. oh and extremely unaware, non experienced and stupid.. but that goes together anyway - being shallow and happy.. right?
such a weird need for revealing the weakness and proving it. raising achilles' heel. turning the back, showing where to stab.
ive made up all the boogeymen. i am my own biggest enemy.
i wish i had another chance, i wish i had some time capsule. who doesnt.
i wish id stop selling cheap and throwing myself to lions.
i wish i wasnt bothered by that day [or some other day] anymore.
i wish i could stop feeding the vulture with looking back at it.
i wish i didnt come as a friend.




well the storm was never there at the first place it was all in my head ive sank the ship for nothing at all i cant blame the rats they always leave they stay just as long as its fun watching the maneuver but once its certainly going down its not a place to be anymore its time to run all at once every single rat will go away i am to blame you have got to be strong enough to run a sinking ship with all the eyes on your back you cannot get misled by those chewing teeth making holes slowly one by one little by little everywhere i will go down with this one but the next time i will be a rat the biggest fattest ugliest fucking rat i will be.




you see,
you can give your own meaning to everything. you can twist the image and the point, you can find a hidden significance, you can take it personally and blow yourself away with it.
i do it daily.




well, beauties,
your heels are too high to demand equality.



are you okay?
- yes
- ... you dont look okay..

im ok.




a diet nonphysical life no hunger no need for food eating your brains out only salivating to wishful thoughts chewing on your ache swallowing the puke back a hole in stomach a black hole sucking yourself in disappearing fading out floating around until you vanish until all slims until its digested until its just feces until oblivion.



i dont know
how to live
my own life.



how come nobody minds?
i doNOT understand..




what doesnt kill you, makes you wish it did. why dont we agree on it already? why dont we make it easier for all of us and once and for all admit that just any life doesnt necessarily have more values than a dignified death..? why so scared of dying even when dead already? whats the beauty in a wheelchair, in a burned body, in unbearable pain, in mental retardation, in alzheimers, in coma, in a hospital bed, in depending on others, in being a burden to the ones you care for, in being humiliated and incapable of living a life not even equally productive as a life of a plant..? plants are at least pretty. plants at least dont make you look away and feel sorry for them.




dementia is optional i could tell by the way my brain boils as i pass by looking back but theres nothing there no sign of life no familiar face around burning footsteps branches
low classes insects grandmas in their epileptically patterned dresses fortunately move slowly with their big-footed carefully calculated short step by step crawling as if they could just continue walking up the wall over trees and graves slow slower as if death would slow down as well as if it would pass them by in a hurry and forget but nothing happened nothing at all i took this long walk for nothing im tired too tired.




i woke up one morning and the quivering hasnt stopped ever since so how about no longer buying mornings peeling off the dream how about waking up for the sake of the smell of a freshly printed rich black for the sake of the chopsticks and the madness all rolled up in ginkgo and served raw if i had a choice itd be impossible to choose like this its too easy and unbearable two giants confronted a colossal gigantic fight inside of me one has too many fanatics behind another has me only please make me a company.



euthanasia is a must.



and that whole thing about lucky numbers.. i dont get it.

how would you know whats your lucky number anyway?
oh ppplease.




if there was a dignified, quiet, quick &painless one - i would
i promise.




a nasty surprise a lesson to be learned a proof to assure me that everyones the same even when it really doesnt look like it we are all the same pile of flesh and crap nothing special about it ever nobody to protrude not even for a second not even as a joke no way its the cheapest delusion coz its not a real choice whatever you choose you get the same at the end so it could be any really any is just as bad alright i get it i really dont wanna see more of it i dont need to see more to realize it sux just the same such a disappointing enlightenment i still dont know and dont want to understand the satisfaction in being what you despise.




hey you wrapped like that in a plastic bag youre indestructible floating around you pvc bubbles with a petroleum rainbow you rubber dolls with silicone curves synthetic stars and chewing gums nylon legs and styrofoam brains all fake and shallow all made in china.



n i t r o g e n n a r c o s i s
for your gentle brain folds




the damage is done and it didnt take a lot of courage coz youre never brave enough for ripping the precious part of yourself off but what you really need is no other way out.




its a dead end id say its been a long walk on a sidewalk engulfed in quicksand the more you struggle the more goes down they say actually its not as deep as you imagine while you sink and scream and make yourself look like an idiot they say however if you stay calm upright and dignified you may just simply stepp out clean your shoes and go do something better instead theysaay.



why so fragile?

all is v



queued up for so long and now its out of stock
n o t f o r s a l e




oooh my what a nice little sheep you got there are they all yours baa baa oh look theres more oh my they keep gushing and they all look the same baa baa how come theyre not afraid of that big wolf over there ah its not a wolf its a sheep as well only a black one oh wow just look how successful shepherd you are what a nice little peasant youve become.




in the food in the hair in the air in the sounds and dark corners in the songs on and under the pillow in the dreams in the red in the morning coffee in the movies lines and words in the mouths and eyes ears hands fingers under the fingernails on the cheek in the bag in the black inside outside in the books on the pavement in the trees and clouds on friday nights airplanes trains buses cars along the highways in the west in the big things small things mee.






oh really
who says so
says who




i donot learn from mistakes
i collect them.





youre so uglee when you think im not watching.




i never really swallow it i hide it under the carpet whenever youre not watching so careful not to stumble coz it might all come out.




well done ive got no cheeks left to turn.




off the path measuring the time by the played songs half awake lasts for long enough to seem like i know exactly what im doing siamese twins unreconciled unbalanced old shoes new shoes old corns new bounds and possibilities new expectations and disappointments the most attractive trap i have ever seen it would look nice on my ankle or around my neck it would fit all the other ones i already wear very nice surprises make me worry and wonder about the true motivation fattening for slaughter creative ways of killing the art of destroying its good to keep it creative whatever you do make it long and substantial a lot of elements a masterpiece made of many small artworks each a masterpiece itself ironically the nicer the sadder no tears this is a higher level the more sophisticated one the one you need high heels and a fancy tie to enter all in black and red all intellectuals and ready to murder all aboard lets hope the pilot is not suicidal.




navel spit slime fart fat vomit blood booger piss flesh eyeballs capillaries hairs dirtyfingernails cerumen warts kidneys saliva sperm tits penis tears shit caries wrinkles corn muscle moles cellulite tonsils lymph scars liver vocalcords artery menstruation boil anus bruise blear heart swells nipples bloodvessel pus secretion testis pimples tongue blister lungs glands clitoris mucousmembrane vagina blackheads dandruff brain sweat hangnails scurf bowels disgusted yet?



its so much easier when it all reduces to stubbornness only.




so whats gonna happen when you put the last brick in the wall cut all the wires and bury yourself alive is it gonna get any better really is it.




a crappy pedestal a pile of trash puts you really high makes you look down on everyone from that shit throne that has been elaborated for years to get grand and vivid but nobodys ever gonna climb and join and if you ever decide to quit youll have to go through the same tower all the way back to the ground what a stupid lapse to make.




did i sign it by saying that i understand i think i got misunderstood i wanted to save it for myself only to get selfish for once i have the same scenario in my head its just a matter of time we will see whos gonna go first its getting worse everyday getting rid of yourself as soon as possible feels like gregor samsa in the morning one after another wondering if its an illusion or it actually grows tall and deep and fat and really nasty dumb but not blind or deaf only dull enough to accept and enjoy the role the result of a tortured brain.




oops seems like its still there buried deep down obviously not deep enough it keeps coming back from time to time emerges through a dream or a day like this between two misfits the bus ride and the whole day the last one it was the last piece of hope diluted with the black sea afterwards well i guess i was partially right back then when i believed so hard its gonna stay there just its gonna get pale old and boring by the time well even if everything else has changed that one things gonna stay engraved its a precious one its its huge its mine and pretty much unique its the only sad thing that makes me happy its pretty funny now all of it its silly and its the strongest engine ive ever had even just a spark of it now does the locomotion so hey whats up smile for me.



people are like seasons.



scary serious about this and seriously scared


m'aider . . . — — — . . . mayday




gotta find the proper one to lull myself to sleep its not a big deal really its just a blink of an eye and then i can rest its not creative and not fun at all i think but who cares anyway if im really gonna relax and forget so the half is just enough i think the half is just perfect more than that is scary ugly and useless the further the worse so so lets say youre gonna pretend for a couple of days meet your friends and get wasted party hard and then youre gonna surprise yourself with how fast you can forget it goes away really fast and if someone says the name youre gonna maybe feel bad for realizing that you didnt remember to mention it but dont worry within a couple of days more nobody will remember and remind you of anything anymore and all of us will be happy only i will be a bit happier than the others.



please dont.





drop the bomb burn the witches lie get fatter destroy them all lie get richer steal more lie until you devise some perfect final solution for staying alone but that wouldnt really fit the big idea you cannot keep being better than someone if you annihilate that someone so you better just keep lying and making mess its those noneducated and stupid ones who start the confusion who make silly things out of fear who do bad things out of fear who create what theyre afraid of its amazing what a narrow-minded imagination can produce its better than any fairy tale youve ever read and probably scarier than the sickest horror movie sad and funny at the same time its all the sorts of entertainment that you could ever need yet very demure and simple and it stirs the other ones and by that it grows and the obviousness of the difference between those two grows also and the wider the circle the bigger the gap the stronger the whirl the deeper we sink.




i agree its a smart way hurts more lasts shorter disperses the remains stabs right at the center twitches me inside out like a vomit its like one of those dreams when you scream but you dont have a voice when you try to run but youre not moving when youre talking but nobody understands or hears you okay this one is a reality me personally i am a fakaap for quite a while now and its not as it seems its its just not as it seems theres gotta be a question to get the answer and its so simple and easy im sure all the other kids would know the answer right away the next one is gonna regret every single moment its a promise and im looking fwd to it.



its all about the sex appeal anyway
[which is actually pretty much fair and honest.. for a change]




its easy when someone lets you win i dont understand whats the excitement about it whats the satisfaction with it dont get tricked by the current situation its so far from the truth i have overrated some things for a purpose but ive got nothing to lose a short message contentious and funny or constructive or simply nice instead of hypocritical chattering just for fun just to make the afternoon more interesting we know exactly what it is about but its boring to say it like it is lets cover it up lets make a nice colorful mask and talk about it endlessly come on cmon well im not like that id rather face it i dont want to pretend im stupid im not at least not enough to swallow your vomit its yours keep it for yourself choke on it i dont care.



perfidious little men and women

w r e t c h e s




ey you fatso dont touch me dont doNOT touch mee oh great now ive lost it now they stare at me now they all stink now i cannot see i cant is that her i cant see i is that him no maybe there no is it is that no im not watching i umm that fatso is still sweating melting down dripping all around i better dont look anymore i might really see it.




i got lost on the way but now i know exactly what i want its the most simple lever the harder you push it down the higher it goes up on the other side so give me the place to stand and a lever long enough and ill kick your ass i made one step backward to take a good look again its like when you stand at the very same part of the room and strike the exact pose and say the same words to make yourself remember what you were just about to do a déjà vu or a dream when you realize youre dreaming and then try to change it i remember now why i like it so much its inspirational its motivating keeps me on the right track no more sideways it has priority its a hierarchy its just as tempting as before only this time it makes more sense and its not a substitute its just way much better thats why.




i woke up with it on my mind i knew right away i woke up and then i woke up again and then once more and now i never want to wake up again you can keep underestimating my intelligence to keep yourself sound asleep but it doesnt mean i dont see through the more the fun i know but it takes more brains to keep the cool plan secret than to build it.




i know all the tricks i just dont want to apply them that would be a desecration it would be good enough for someone else maybe but i need more than a cheap trick i prefer being surprised by something really nice and qualitative something fresh you despite your own kind you produce the things you detest you share most of the faults but you choose to blame them only im gonna wait here patiently and watch the whole performance i wonder if its worth all the crap im gonna applaud every impressing part and laugh out loud at all the jokes just to push it a bit further just to see how many of them youll try to buy with those lame tricks and if it fails i wont say a word i promise i wont exult i swear coz itd be my own defeat also a complete fiasco nothing to rejoice about.




there are too many things on my mind i might change perhaps get different or maybe even disappoint some of you and if so well the pleasure is all mine this time wicked indecent ideas intoxication impatience should take off get released i admit i do forget intentionally or just out of some purely childish kind of stupidity and naiveness like a kid who keeps sending letters to santa just to keep the magic going.





why exactly does it start for why exactly do i stop dreaming every morning whats the deal id like to have a dog then id understand why then itd make more sense whats next i wouldnt mind if it had to end now i wouldnt i swear i realized that back then when i was the only one who was asleep yes well im always late for everything and i always oversleep the best things so why wouldnt i oversleep this one also or finally get fully awake calculated selfish cold or however you name it you get the same at the end anyway the more shallow the wider smile i guess you cant fill it all at once its one or another thats fair that makes more sense im still decanting and i wish i had a dog.




shake it off it blurs the sight it contorts the picture makes everything look different nicer explainable logic well shaped makes the voice sound mellow makes the same stories sound happy makes me smile for no reason at all.




seems like everythings perfect and in its right place all peaceful and eased on the outside all important busy socialized planned rational smiling walking working talking drawing buying eating drinking sleeping dreaming kissing reading writing coming going meeting shaking hands but on the inside theres a real chaos noise crowd hundreds thousands of demons thunderstorms vortexes all colorful and colorless in panic running around hard rain cold showers shadows nights nightmares sore sour bitter.




its an obscure machinery that rumbles grinds mills chops stabs with its hammers teeth jaggers bevel gears doNOT even think about that its too big to get to see it all just close your eyes and swallow it like dogs and cats eat the placenta make it all clean no blood no proofs kill the babies put them in a bag hide them away bury them before anyone asks anything the only problems gonna be the remorse the one that appears late at nite right before youre about to fall asleep like a baby oops did i say baby how much more are you gonna buy how much longer are you gonna be devoted to that role of stupidity and naiveness are you really that sure its your plan are you really that sure its all your decision are you really that sure it didnt slip out of yr hands are you really sure its not going too far already are you sure its how youve imagined it are you sure are you?




its your little monsters youve created its your own freak show why dont you like it now your lovely bizarre children it may keep you wake at nite but sure its fun when they show you what they learned from you it must be a hell of an entertainment its a pity no one wants to see it its a pity you have to enjoy it on your own i bet everybody would be truly amazed impressed astonished by your masterpiece its made according to your own image and once it gets perfect and just how you wanted it to be itll probably finally bore you then it just wont be fun anymore i guess then you could just sit and stare into each other and wonder where the fuck everyone else has gone.




pick up your bowels cut them off you cant be fast enough with it hauling along that carotene will kill you slowly and deliberately.




hello hi nice to meet you its a good timing the perfect moment i can shake hands now go for endless coffees get wasted fall in love die perhaps its party time its hello hi nice to meet you time.




i know its threeinone but i dont want the milk i want the coffee only i want coffee with a lot of sugar in it the milk gets rotten coffee only gets cold.




wicked symbiosis fucking parasites its a whole process very complex and fragile it shouldnt be that hard cantbee it didnt disappear its only shoved aside a long time ago just gotta remember gotta smile more often you see how nice collage it is and theres so much more if only you would wanna get rid of those fleas you have you know fleas cmon you live with it theyre in yr head and house and bed its a small wingless bloodsucking insect that has a hard laterally compressed body and legs adapted to leaping and that feeds on warm blooded animals like you are.




hanging on a very thin string the thinnest one and once it breaks the fall is gonna be short and painful i hope ill oversleep i hope i hope i wont be here to see it.




hello zombiez nice to see you all back but im not the same anymore im afraid the things have changed in the meanwhile im afraid i dont believe in zombiez anymore.







kim gordon under an arcade where the boozers piss!!
[there. i said it. maybe now its gonna stop.]




that picture ive frozen ten days ago the whole sight was so ugly and sad but its good like that i like it keep it that way keep it low and pathetic keep it all the way down now you have your dinner served now you can get even fatter you can swallow it all you can dress up for that occasion again and you can dive into your own dirt you can be your own queen king servant or whatever you really are now you have your toy back i hope its gonna recharge its batteries and get away eventually safe and sound dont get confused theres a lot of those yous here each is a different one its you and your appendage you should recognize yourself or dont even try to analyze me its over with those tornadoes and the tremor back to incubator the noon was always a tall thin lady in a long dress it stresses me whenever i see her above my head approaching in those ungracious short steps between a pair of shots of a twisted reality a twitched dream its another day its everyday peeking on my own secrets waiting for a miracle.




its two fingers of something nice two to three lines fifteen seventeen a paragraph a page or two a whole book its all about the frown and fingers about the voice and the eyes and opinions the walk the bad mask pants ideals ideas weaknesses disorder hair hands small things big things difference identity yes the sameness its about the same things actually its about the other side of it someone elses memories and experiences that id like to know by heart well yeah im going because its mine to go.




ey ive got an idea its pretty simple look you just fuck it up somehow and die whatdyasay thatd be the coolest thing youve ever done the inner monologues dialogues storms and thunders thoughts of your long sticky fingers cant please everyone neither its the point gotta please yrself first once and for all i almost forgot that other side the nice one did someone really see me did anyone hear if thats what it takes then im saved but its just a coincidence the most convenient one the best ever ive tried once again and screwed it up it was the wrong trick there was no any recipe after all are you a cripple cant you make it on your own do you really need a helping hand every time you take a shit are you blind are you stupid are you really that stupid if it wasnt so ugly itd be sad you may think im sad for writing all this for such a long time and you do and i know i am but its not a cowardish thing id rather call it a patience if you only knew how idiotic you look like from here get yrself a life its a mother thing a parent thing thats why im gonna skip the whole deal ive got enough thankyou im not that suicidal but you why dont you just simply die?




get dirty and let it stay there remain messy dont really mind the bruises and scars and marks the phone numbers xs stars and spirals the paint and holes and stains and yeah well the dirt well not really a dirt you know but umm well youll understand when you see me it that them him whatever see ya.




sit back and relax make sure youre comfortable put yr legs on the table take some candies coffee juice coke whiskey tea mineral water sandwiches cigarettes cigars a joint a massage a bubble bath and start from the beginning tell me what the fuck is your problem.




the lizards are all out euphoria long walks kids balloons kites sports sunshades flickering moving around in different directions walking fast or slow sitting on benches eating an ice creams [cant make up your mind between the strawberries and vanilla taste] pizzas barbeques popcorns holding hands hugging kissing feeding birds and dogs sweating stinking reading the news papers believing it sunglasses hats caps short sleeves short skirts pushing shouting watching the brand new collection of ugly sneakers touching the shop window flirting walking around burning fats making space for the new ones im glad its a springtime again.




now i understand why the good one had to go theres nothing interesting to see anyway no need to stay any longer its the curiosity that grows you old it grows you small in that huge bed silent in that empty house grows you weak toothless ugly crippled grows you forgotten boring stupid helpless grows you humiliated ill disgusting rotten dead yes grows you dead anyway.




too much coofffeeee mediocre brickheads and stereotypes the fresh air clears most of it just need to get off the bus what so happy about is that it those ugly shoes that silly voice is that it dont see any proper reason for that stupid smile coz its all wrong check yr hairdo check yr cell phone tell yr girlfriend what the guy said last night check yr hairdo again help your girlfriend fix hers check the cell phone now tell her what was your answer to the guy laugh about it check the hairdo check the guy two seats ahead check all the other guys in the bus check yr phone check yr hairdo check your girlfriends hairdo use a reflection on the bus window to compare yours and your girlfriends bang [yours is better thats good] check the guy again put more gloss on your lips smell it put more oh a phone ring thanks god let it ring for a while coz its the song of the week the one your girlfriend still doesnt have.




the more of it the smaller it gets whatll be left at the end thousands of them and yet almost invisible a print too large for a small room the noisy one with a faktaap resolution could only get to see it from the greatest distance either if its about time or expanse or both but then ill be [erased] drinking my coffee and forget about the jerks the pathetic pale ghosts because thats what they really are and because ive oversweeten it.




now read it in peace one by one and get it all wrong why did you let yourself look so crippled and helpless dont let them seem too important because theyre worthless the memories just got dismembered trivial things taking place all the kids in the movies its so sad and disappointing but whod care anyway you get some you lose some you lose dont you worry mommys gonna make you your favorite cake and let you ride your dirty bike around the living room and youll be the king again the rest well they just suck theyre useless anyway throw them some crumbs watch them kill each other for it until the show gets boring then you can release the lions [the commercials break] yeah the lions rule its the same logic i know its the same style and its great that the green is back the whole crew is back the healing ones thelongwalks and big ideas a little pinch for waking up every new little thing is taken for granted its a pity how it gets choked right at its birth the unique chance to enjoy it before it grows old boring and dead no but its a happy one i promise it is look how cheerful it is you see youseee its so merry and chaste too early to enjoy the show better go back to bed and oversleep the life.